i am so sick of this pms/menopausal hormone roller coaster. i want off. uterus i command thee to dry up.......forever.....immediately.......nope . didn't work.
i hopped in the shower and attempted to start my morning chat with God. it didn't start well. kinda got the feeling he was all 'we will talk after you have coffee' and i agreed.
as i stumbled down the hall, my brain still adjusting from laying down to standing upright....life with vertigo.....something felt off. something is not right. almost as if i was walking through the day with my shoes on the wrong feet. i looked down to see if that was actually the problem. it wasn't.
from there things progressed to one long continuous deja vu with a groundhog day, the movie, vibe.
i gulped the protein shake down, made coffee, sipped coffee, scrolled instagram . same old same old.
next stop was the laundry room where faida inserted her boney pitbull head between my legs to watch me take the towels out of the dryer and i suddenly felt a jolt . i have never experiences a vertigo attack like this, if that is even what it was . it felt as if the house hit the ground at full force. almost like the head on accident years earlier. i switched laundry out, shaking, my knees felt as if they were going to buckle. that was such a scary feeling . i grabbed my phone and headed to the couch and figured i would collect myself and scroll social media for a bit.
as soon as i opened my instagram i was flooded of the news of the helicopter crash that we would all learn later took the lives of 9 souls. all of social media was filled to the brim and i can honestly say i have never seen anything like it with any news event ever. since i have not watched the news in about 25 years, social media tends to be my source .
my immediate thought was that this news broke within minutes of my laying my phone down to begin my day. what if that jolt i felt was the collective energy of all those shocked by the news. i mean, who knows what that jolt was, but what if? if it was, then just imagine what we as a collective would be able to do if we came together in unison in numbers that enormous . world peace, the end of hunger or suicide....it could be beautifully unlimited as to what our collective energy could do.
the day continued to be all deja vu-y and weird. my kids all left to do their thing and once again i am here alone with my deju vu weirdness. i decided to take advantage of the alone time and meditate .
when i meditate i clear my sacred space of any extras. the coffee mug back in the kitchen, the tissue in the trash. i lit the incense and turned on my music playlist entitled 'dancing in the kitchen with my soulmate' . it is filled with the top 'pop hits' of today. i have discovered i slip right in to meditating by starting off visualizing what i'm praying and believing for. getting lost in my new life allows me to connect with source quickly because i'm happy in that moment. not coming from a place of worry or desperation.
so....i was all ready to begin and the second my butt began to make contact with the couch cushion i heard that voice that really is not an audible voice, it is a 'knowing', to take my phone outside and take pics of the clouds. *if you are new to me....this is a normal thing. my kids and a couple of souls i trust live with my....ummmmmm gifts....talents....weirdness. i peeked first and really didn't see much. a goofy face. but i have learned to always listen to that voice, so in shorts, tank top, and my 'round the house rubber birkenstocks i obeyed. i took a few quick pics and ran inside. unimpressed . meh. its even a bit deja vu-y out there too. i began reviewing the photos i took, and what i did not see when i took the photo would have knocked my socks off had i been wearing any.......
that skull!
there is no squinting one eye and turning the phone cockeyed....that was undeniably a skull.
i sent the pics through text to a few people and the immediate response was all negative...morbid, death, an omen.....that is how most view skulls. even satanic .
i did not feel that icky stench of 'badness' though....at first. then the more i thought about it i wondered if i was looking at this in denial.
i began to google search skulls and their meaning. they are depicted in catholic art, christian art as well as many other religions and practices that are not evil.
generally representing death, but my beloved celts always seem to have a magical spin on just about anything....but first before i lose ya, i want to explain the releasing and receiving.......
i spent the rest of sunday asking for the meaning behind the skull in the clouds. i prayed. i meditated. i googled. i instagram-ed.
there were so many images in the clouds surround the skull. animals of every name and shape, real and mythical, as i saw a couple of dragons. i began outlining many to ready them to post in the near future.
then i saw it. the robed figure, so tiny in comparison to the skull. and a dove. but was he letting the dove go or was he preparing to catch it. which way was the dove heading. was it flying in to or out of the eye socket. why the eye socket of all places . what was the meaning of all of this.
i have been packing up, very slowly, the last 30 years of my life to prepare to move. i have no idea how or where i will make this move. but i am preparing in faith. as i am packing up my treasures i have lovingly collected over this 30 year period i have had to realize there may be a chance i may not see some of these things again. there has been a mourning process in all of it. i am realizing i have to let some things go to receive better.
every where i turn there are messages of how important it is to let go to receive and i'm like.....i know i know i am doing that already.......let's just get on with the next step already.....
so first, dove symbolism.....
i clicked on a random site to read up on dove symbolism.....the dove in the clouds is flying to or from one of the eye sockets, and well........
i spent monday still asking for more on the meaning of all of this. i have been standing in a faith greater than i have ever had in a God that i had spent my entire life, up until very recently, thinking hated me or was punishing me. i am now believing in answered prayers for a new life. a second chance. new love. but i have also been struggling with guilt of leaving a man who i was never his priority that is now mentally and physically seemingly much older than his actual age . there have been many battles fought in my head. but the battle of faith has been one i am determined to win and show my kids that God is good and i am doing my best to prepare for everything i am asking for.
when i scrolled my instagram feed monday i came across this that really felt like a partial answer to my questions.....
reading her comment to watch for them in unexpected forms.....like a skull, a dove, and a robed figure maybe???
monday is arm day. some days an intense workout will actually bring clarity at times. nope. just two really sore elbows trying to adapt to increase in weight and reps.
i tried to meditate and just could not quiet the brain. i prayed and told God he had me until i fell asleep . i was heading to bed. i stood in front of the space heater to warm up before jumping in to my cold bed and in the process of giving thanks for a few things *bam* . my answer.
the robed figure was either preparing to catch or was letting go of the dove.....the robed figure was maybe releasing the dove or catching the dove.....the robed figure was either releasing or receiving the dove. some things need to die, metaphorically, for something new to be born. you need to let go of the old to receive the new. you have to release your old life to receive the new one you are praying for.
synchronicities are a sign that you, your soul, are on the right path. i have experienced this many times.
was i being told anything new. not really. but i love when i have these experiences. this lets me know that connection, to source, to God, to the angels are real. that we are heard, watched over, loved, protected, guided.
every time i make sure i remain in a state of gratitude, even while confused. the more grateful you are, the more they give. never take it for granted.
also, this is new blog 82, or 14 or 5...i have lost track. after lots of google and blogger issues i think everything is finally fixed and this will be where my thoughts live for the time being.
we all were given the ability to connect to and communicate with the divine, our loved ones that have passed, angels......you have to be willing to see, and when you do see, lots of gratitude .
below are some screen shots i took on the meaning of skulls............
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